Double Negative

Oliver was saying no to bedtime and no to getting up and no to the first three or four choices for each meal. "He's saying no to everything," I explained so my mother visiting from Maine wouldn't feel bad about his rejections. Oliver heard this and said, "No, not no to everything." Since that day he has been much more of a yes man.

Ollievision

Oliver was on the news for a second last night, the only kid looking at the camera while every other kid in his class looked at the Labrador to whom the SPCA was teaching them to be kind.

My own debut was on a Portland, OR kids show which featured incredibly violent cartoons and a smile contest which I unbelievably won since I share Oliver's dread of being seen. Crooked teeth, less than perfect skin, and a kid-hating stepfather usually taking the picture or looming behind me are to blame for my failure to win any more smile contests.

All one's needs are instantly met!

Don't get me wrong—I like squirming, drooling, and sporadically attempting to focus on colors and shapes as much as the next guy. But of all the various activities one can choose to pursue in life, crying is tops as far as I'm concerned. In my opinion, I find nothing is more fulfilling than a good steady holler. It takes no experience to begin, and within moments, all one's needs are instantly met! It's my favorite part of the day.

Heck, I'm crying right now!

—Emmet Henson, 2-month-old, "I Can't Imagine Why Anybody Would Want to Stop Crying," The Onion

This morning's question while giving the bottle

"Whatever happened to Joan Armatrading?"

Megasized King Kong Castle Tarantula

This weekend we drove around looking for a playset for the backyard. Someone on Craig's List was giving their set to whomever could take it away. Oliver's first choice was the $42,999 Megasized King Kong Castle Tarantula from Rainbow. Extrapolating from our budget of $500, this set would make sense only if we had 172 children.