All one's needs are instantly met!

Don't get me wrong—I like squirming, drooling, and sporadically attempting to focus on colors and shapes as much as the next guy. But of all the various activities one can choose to pursue in life, crying is tops as far as I'm concerned. In my opinion, I find nothing is more fulfilling than a good steady holler. It takes no experience to begin, and within moments, all one's needs are instantly met! It's my favorite part of the day.

Heck, I'm crying right now!

—Emmet Henson, 2-month-old, "I Can't Imagine Why Anybody Would Want to Stop Crying," The Onion

This morning's question while giving the bottle

"Whatever happened to Joan Armatrading?"

Megasized King Kong Castle Tarantula

This weekend we drove around looking for a playset for the backyard. Someone on Craig's List was giving their set to whomever could take it away. Oliver's first choice was the $42,999 Megasized King Kong Castle Tarantula from Rainbow. Extrapolating from our budget of $500, this set would make sense only if we had 172 children.

Multiple Multiples

Fans of Jon & Kate Plus 8, the TLC show about a family with twins and sextuplets, will have noticed that the couple seem to have driven a better bargain with the network this season and are now being flown around the country for ski and beach vacations. (This viewer began to cry when Jon, after serving eight breakfasts and eight lunches, actually hit the slopes and said it was the happiest moment of his life.)

Toys in the attic

"Parents throw away their children’s toys when the kids aren’t home – the toys that parents perceive as having been outgrown. They do it secretly because they know the kids might disagree. I’ve done it, they all do it, your parents did it to you." —Michael Atkinson

The $300 Popsicle

The last time Oliver was too sick to eat--with rotovirus, for which a vaccine has now been developed--we tried giving him ginger ale, clementines, ice cream, water with a dropper. Finally, we took him to the emergency room and he perked right up when given a purple popsicle, for which we later paid $300.

Now he can self-diagnose: I'm broken. My body hurts. It's hard to cough in the night.

The Dumbing Down of Dad

I'm getting better at the New York Times crossword puzzle, the ideal activity with a baby sleeping on your arm, worse at everything else. Since night-owl Alistair joined early-bird Oliver in our home, I have learned these valuable lessons.

Do not address your co-workers in the same voice you use to keep your toddler from touching the stove or shaking your infant.

Do not park in a way that assumes the driver of the adjacent car is not also a sleep-deprived zombie. I am still finding pieces of the hood for my side rear-view mirror in a garage during the day and gluing them back onto the car at night. (Gorilla Glue is much cheaper than a mechanic.)

Freeze your assets until your baby is sleeping through the night. I won't go into it here, but let's just say that much of my post-partum banking turned out to be illegal.